Why We Keep Doing Things That No Longer Work

Exploring the patterns we develop, what they do for us, and what happens when they no longer fit the lives we're living.

We all have patterns

Most of us have things we do almost automatically.

We say yes when we'd rather say no. We say no when we fear the possibility of yes. We take care of everyone else before ourselves. We over-prepare, avoid difficult conversations, keep the peace, take responsibility quickly, stay busy, worry, or plan.

Often, we don't stop to think about why we're doing these things. They have simply become part of how we move through our lives.

And over time, we may stop experiencing them as choices at all.

We may begin to think of them as who we are.

Patterns develop for a reason

I’ve become increasingly interested in the idea that our patterns usually make sense when we understand them in context.

We learn from what happens around us. We notice what seems to help, what creates conflict, what earns approval, what keeps relationships steady, and what helps us manage uncertainty. We adapt to what we experience.

Sometimes those adaptations happen so early, or so gradually, that we aren't aware of making them.

A person who learns that being easygoing helps keep the peace may become someone who has difficulty expressing what she needs. Someone who learns that being competent creates a sense of safety may have a hard time asking for help. Someone who learns to stay busy when things feel difficult may eventually find it uncomfortable to slow down.

None of these patterns necessarily began as a problem. In fact, they may have helped us navigate something important.

A pattern can be helpful and limiting at the same time

This is where I think things get interesting.

A behavior doesn't have to be unhealthy to become limiting.

Getting out of bed to care for your dogs can express compassion, responsibility, and reliability. It can also reinforce a tendency to assume responsibility before asking whether someone else could share it.

Taking care of work quickly can reflect competence and stewardship. It can also create a sense of urgency that makes it difficult to leave work at work.

Being consistent with our children can provide structure, guidance, and security. It can also invite us to consider how we understand responsibility, authority, and control.

The same behavior can serve more than one purpose.

It can express our values while also carrying an older adaptation.

That is why I'm less interested in asking whether a pattern is simply “good” or “bad.” I’m more interested in understanding what it is doing for us.

What is the pattern trying to accomplish?

When we notice a behavior that keeps showing up, we can become curious about it.

What is this behavior accomplishing?

What does it help me avoid, manage, protect, or create?

What does it make possible?

And what does it cost?

These questions don't require us to judge ourselves. They give us an opportunity to understand our behavior in context.

Sometimes we discover that a pattern is still serving us well. Other times, we realize it's costing us more than it's giving us. And often, we find that it can be both helpful and limiting, depending on the situation.

It makes me wonder whether flexibility may matter more than the label we give the behavior.

Understanding creates choice

Becoming aware of a pattern doesn't necessarily mean we need to get rid of it.

Maybe the goal isn't to stop being responsible. Maybe it's to become more able to decide when responsibility belongs to us and when it doesn't.

Maybe the goal isn't to stop caring for other people. Maybe it's to care for others without disappearing from our own lives.

Maybe the goal isn't to become fearless. Maybe it's to become more able to make choices even when fear is present.

The more we understand a pattern, the more room we may have to choose how we respond.

This is where Becoming begins

This is the thinking behind Becoming, an 8-week virtual women's growth group I’m developing through Life Course Counseling.

Becoming is not about fixing everything we think is wrong with ourselves or creating an entirely new version of who we are.

It is about becoming curious about the patterns that have shaped our lives.

Some patterns may still fit. Some may need more flexibility. Some may no longer fit at all.

The work is not to judge them. It is to understand them—and then begin asking what we want to choose now.

For me, that is where growth begins: not necessarily in becoming someone different, but in becoming more able to live according to the person we are now.

A question to sit with

What is something you do regularly that you've come to think of simply as part of who you are?